You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
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*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.