If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
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I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
☺️
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore