No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
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Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.