Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
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i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Something Saturday.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.