I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
You Might Also Like
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Ummm
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn