I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before