Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]