God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
You Might Also Like
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me too 😆
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”