[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
You Might Also Like
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Is your wife single?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.