I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
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*weighs self after shaving
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.