*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
i prefer mine room temperature.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird