roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
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waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Order here:
More here:
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”