Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
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Lucky for them, they’re cute
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”