If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
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please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza