Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly