I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
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Oh my god
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..