thankfully, most bananas are boneless
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that colleague who touches your screen
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
english majors be like furthermore
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.