Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead