Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
You have been warned.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?