All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”