Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
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Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I feel it
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.