the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.