I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
calling in to work dehydrated
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Rich People Podcasts are wild.