If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
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“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Nice try, poison.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”