Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.