I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
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If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Pizza is an emotion right?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how