ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
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Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me when someone tries to get to know me
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.