[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.