Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
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Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.