I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Print is alive and well!!!
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Ah yes. The three genders
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here