women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
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[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead