Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
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Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
You can’t rush stupid.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork