Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
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In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Incredible customer service.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?