Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
boat question
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station