Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
broke down and did it
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.