Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.