You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*