I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
They’re stuck in your pants?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
relationship goals
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.