Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce