BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“just sayin” who asked you though?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I love twitter
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.