I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
She was REALLY feeling it.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree