[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
58.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.