Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.