A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Check your privilege
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that