the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
All. The. Damn. Time.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU