2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
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Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Woke up against my better judgement again
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I was just discussing this with my cat