I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
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*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
This is my favorite one of these!
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home