I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
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“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.