bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911