My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Breaking news:
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
choose your gary
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.